So I brought it up on a desperate prayer — Lord why are you keeping me here?
One night, I was scrolling through my tiktok page with a heavy heart, with tears in my eyes that caused me to have blurry vision so I really don’t know what I am watching, then, there’s this video with the background song called Flower by Samantha Ebert, I don’t understand but the song gives me so much comfort, as if there’s someone hugging me really tight and tapping my back that night.
I cried so hard not because of a heavy heart but because of the feeling of relief, peace and comfort.
In order to survive in this cruel world, we need to learn how to survive the battle in ourselves first. I really find it so hard to overcome the battle especially when it’s against you and yourself — the loud noise of thoughts that consistently tells you that you’re worthless and useless, the heavyness in your heart that makes you feel so hard to breathe, too lazy to move, the constant self blaming is too hard to overcome.
There are times in our lives that we feel like we are on the edge of harming ourselves. The pain in realizing that growing up can hurt this much, the painful realization that makes us feel so weak — is too much to bear.
I once questioned Him on why He was letting me experience this kind of suffering, I thought He was a good God who loves His children — does He not love me? Am I that sinful? Am I that worthless? Am I that not enough to save? Are my prayers not worthy to be heard?
I questioned Him many times, countless times.
But after I heard the song, the countless questions that I did are now answered by these lyrics.
“ then He said to me, Child, I’m planting seeds. I’m a good God and I have a good plan”
I was once caged in a small box of my doubt, but You found me.
I was once covered with the dirt of sins, but You cleansed me with forgiveness.
I was once scared like a little girl left in the dark, but You assured me that everything will be alright.
I was once abandoned, but You revealed yourself to prove to me that everyone can go, but not You.
That night, I know it’s not an accident that I ran in that video with that sound in my tiktok page. I know that it’s you, who speaks to me through those lyrics and telling me that — a flower can go grow in the valley.
